This article was first published in the South China Morning Post
Communication
by Danny Moorjani
The way we communicate with other people is usually indicative of the way we communicate with ourselves. If calm and respectful is what you are on the outside, chances are that this is what you are on the inside.
When somebody is behaving in an aggressive manner, it shows that a feeling of inadequacy or frustration is causing an external overcompensation in their behaviour.
During a flight a few years ago, I was sitting next to the owner of a large jewellery firm who asked me if I could recommend an anger management course.
He explained that in meetings with his managers, he would often get angry and confrontational, ending the discussions abruptly because he thought his staff were unable to follow his instructions.
These outbreaks led to a loss of business. They also prevented him from developing his company the way he envisioned.
To be sure, his thinking style was analytical and took in the big picture. For his visionary role in the company, he was a perfect fit. His senior managers were specialists in their areas and certainly competent. But there was a problem. His big-picture overview was too big for the specialists to grasp. They were each expecting more details and directives. The owner, however, expected his team to understand his broad vision and what he wanted of them.
What each side expected was correct based on their own style. However, when the information was delivered in a style that was different from the way each side processed it, confusion resulted. While each side understood exactly what they were trying to communicate, the mismatched styles when compounded, led to frustration. In the case of the owner, it was expressed as anger. Over time it escalated into aggressive behaviour. At times like this, a primitive part of the brain becomes engaged in what it perceives as an emergency.
When dealing with aggressive people, getting angry yourself is not going to help you get the situation under control. However, a highly structured verbal and physiological response from you will allow you to bring it under control very quickly.
The most effective approach is to act in a way similar to the other person without being intimidating or confrontational. If they are speaking in short sentences and loudly, do the same and direct your comments to the same subject or person as they do. If their body is tense or rigid and they are gesticulating with their hands, copy their actions without pointing at them. If you must use a gesture to point at them, always use an open-handed gesture with the palm facing upwards.
Follow this strategy while remaining in control of your actions. The other person will then become noticeably more communicative, usually within a few minutes.
This is because you are perceived as being “like” and therefore more trustworthy. They will also have had the opportunity to express their own thoughts and opinions to somebody who can understand what they have to say.
Eight out of 10 times, you too will come to a much clearer understanding of the other side’s viewpoint. Having attained this position of trust, you are then in a position to gently bring your own actions more in line with acceptable behaviour. The other person’s body language, breathing and speaking style will change along with yours.
This method is regarded as standard technique in neurolinguistic programming and is used globally by practitioners, as well as therapists and counsellors in many other fields.
The technique can be used effectively in the retail or service industry. For instance, when a customer is not happy with the service and wants to convey it to someone in the company and if a representative of the firm sent to deal with the problem is only able to say “calm down” or “relax”, exactly the opposite will happen. The customer’s base instincts begin to take over. They see the company representative as being unwilling to respond. This may then quickly escalate out of control.
If the company representative is not able to match the customer’s gesticulation or speaking style because of professional conduct rules, move the customer away from the spot where the problem arose. This will physically separate them from the source of the problem. At the same time it will be interpreted as affirmative action. This in turn will defuse the anger along with any aggressive behaviour and allow the representative to have a rational conversation with the customer.
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About The Author: Danny Moorjani is a behavioural specialist, a NLP trainer and primarily treats Phobias, Anxiety and OCD / OCB. His corporate website at www.power-one.org offers practical solutions for anybody who needs to know more about human behaviour.
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